Kansas City Royals: Season fast becoming Mad-Libs

Time for another series for the Kansas City Royals. Is it the season’s most important? Probably until the next one.

Ahh yes, it’s time for our twice-weekly game of Kansas City Royals Series Look-Ahead Mad Libs!

Here, I’ll start us off…

This is the most (synonym for important) series for the Kansas City Royals since (last opponent). (Struggling Player) could be in the doghouse for good if he (synonym for sucks) against (Lightly regarded opponent), but a big game from him and a big series for the Royals could make them major players for (Veteran players rumored to be on the block). But if the Kansas City Royals (synonym for falter), it’s a good bet that (Veteran Kansas City Royals rumored to be on the block) could be on the move.

It’s all become rote at this point. The season has become a series of miniature seasons, each taking on added significance because the Royals simply can’t seem to get away from the .500 mark. It’s a bizarre, unfortunate place to be. Much above .500 and you can make a very compelling case that Dayton Moore has to push his chips in now for one last rodeo with this core and worry about tomorrow later.

Much below .500 and the same compelling case can be inverted—sell, Mortimer, sell!

Right at .500? Right at .500 is catnip, the worst possible position. You’re not bad enough to hold a firesale, but you’re not good enough to envision a path to the World Series that doesn’t involve huge amounts of luck akin to the Astros’ baseball abilities being lost in Space Jam­-esque fashion.

The Kansas City Royals are .500 today. Chances are pretty decent they’ll still be .500 when we do this again on Friday. Anyway, here’s Bob Seger.

Game One: Jason Vargas (12-3, 2.62 ERA) vs. Jordan Zimmermann (5-7, 5.87 ERA); 7:15 p.m. (CT), Monday; FSKC

This is fun. Any “Top-10 most surprising players in baseball” list has to include both of these guys, for different reasons. Vargas is enjoying the best season of his career, while Zimmermann has tanked since coming to Detroit—he wasn’t good last year, but he’s been terrible this season.

Watch If: You love seeing a master at work, and Dr. Vargas is a master.

Game Two: Travis Wood (1-2, 6.06 ERA) vs. Matthew Boyd (2-5, 5.69 ERA); 7:15 p.m. (CT), Tuesday; FSKC

You won’t bounce your grandkids on your knee telling them about this one.

Watch If: You just don’t have the courage to self-flagellate. Or you’d like to see what would happen if they turned a couple of those Home Run Derby pitchers loose in a real game.

Game Three: Jason Hammel (4-8, 5.02 ERA) vs. Justin Verlander (5-7, 4.66 ERA); 7:15 p.m. (CT), Wednesday; FSKC

Here is your reminder that Justin Verlander, luckiest man alive, dates Kate Upton.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, Jason Hammel’s quest to return to respectability has hit its logical end point. A solid showing against Detroit gets his ERA back under 5.00 and keeps him in the discussion for not only a postseason rotation spot (if things go well) but also some net trade value (if things go poorly). And honestly, that’s how we must evaluate everyone until July 31.

Watch If: The never-ending sorcery of Salvador Perez (.414, two homers, 16 RBI lifetime against Verlander) enthralls you.

Game Four: Danny Duffy (5-6, 3.51 ERA) vs. Michael Fulmer (10-6, 3.06 ERA); 7:15 p.m. (CT), Thursday; FSKC

This all moot if the Tigers (unwisely) deal Fulmer before Thursday, but how about the luck Danny Duffy’s had lately? His last three starts including this one:

• Against Clayton Kershaw (and the Dodgers)
• Against Yu Darvish
• (Tentatively) against Fulmer

“Hey, welcome back from the disabled list. Let’s run you up against literally the best pitcher the opposing team has every time out while you shake off the rust and the lineup disintegrates around you. Should be fun!” – Ned Yost, probably

Watch If: You’re politely curious about how good Duffy can be yet still earn a loss or no-decision thanks to the Kansas City Royals cruddy offense. Pretty soon he’ll take his place alongside Harvey Haddix, I feel certain.

Watch If: You’re politely curious about how good Duffy can be yet still earn a loss or no-decision thanks to the Kansas City Royals cruddy offense. Pretty soon he’ll take his place alongside Harvey Haddix, I feel certain.

In Game One: A meeting on the mound ends in tears for Alcides Escobar.

Game Two: Whit Merrifield and Drew Butera make dinner plans.

Game Three: An argument breaks out between Butera and Merrifield about who messed up the previous evening’s reservation.

Next: On Sunday, Cain was able

And in Game Four: Royals win on a walk-off balk.