KC Royals: 10 Things to Hate About the San Francisco Giants

Some clean, old-fashioned (mostly tongue in cheek) hating points for KC Royals fans as San Francisco invades the K.

I don’t feel like we’ve worked up enough antipathy against the San Francisco Giants.

When last the KC Royals hosted San Francisco at the K, it ended with the Giants dancing on the infield and winning their third World Series in five seasons. Madison Bumgarner turning into a superhero might very well be all that’s standing between the Royals and a burgeoning dynasty.

(It’s not. But it could be.)

So in advance of the series (or after Game One, because I’m busy this week and also incredibly poor at planning), 10 Reasons to Despise the San Francisco Giants and Boo Your Lungs Out at the K This Week:

1. Madison Bumgarner, the one-man argument against the Designated Hitter rule. Madison Bumgarner is probably of a different, more advanced species that hasn’t made contact yet and he’s just their emissary to decide if this planet is worth the trouble.
2. Johnny Cueto, who helped the KC Royals win a World Series in 2015 and promptly bolted for the City by the Bay.
3. All the busted-ass names on this team. Samardzija. Federowicz. Gorkys Hernandez. Will no one think of Rex and Ryan and what this does to their lives? Rex Hudler has probably had a few late nights trying to nail Tim Federowicz just right.
4. That ugly-as-sin swing and even uglier (or at least comparably ugly) beard Hunter Pence insists on sporting. Bruh, you make $18.5 million a year; get thyself to a barber.
5. Barry Bonds. I don’t care if he hasn’t swung a bat for the Giants in over a decade, I’m still holding you people responsible for him.
6. Even Year Magic. Fall in a well, all of you.
7. That stupid glove in left field at AT&T Park. I bet if a homerun ball flew in there and stuck, they’d claim that ballpark layout dictates that it’s an out.
8. You let the Angels win a World Series. The Angels are butt and have been ever since, but people still put “World Series-winning manager” ahead of Mike Scioscia’s name, which is all your fault.
9. The tech boom, and people who use the phrase ‘tech boom’. Thanks San Francisco.
10. Not to become the crotchety old man around here but

[affixes pince nez to nose, peers at crossword puzzle for an uncomfortably long time]

Back in my day, a splashdown meant somebody had launched one into the fountains at Kauffman stadium, not that someone had hit a home run just far enough to get over a narrow walkway to land in the San Francisco bay (the equivalent of what, 10 rows deep in the right field seats?)

(He asked, with little concept of how things like distance and angles work.)

Next: Josh Staumont Throwing Flames

Got all that? With any sort of luck, the Jason’s (Hammel and Vargas) will be lights-out and San Francisco’s repugnant offense won’t be able to do anything. With even more luck, someone foolish will endeavor to start something with Salvador Perez and it will be ALL THE WAY ON. Either way, I’m excited for Lorenzo Cain and Alcides Escobar to re-enter Bruch Bochy’s nightmare’s, if only for a couple of days.