KC Royals: 5 Reasons It Would Suck To Be A White Sox Fan

The KC Royals face off against the Chicago White Sox for the first time in 2016 on Friday night. Five reasons that I’m glad I’m not a White Sox fan.

As of Friday, the White Sox are leading the AL Central with a 25-16 start. The pale hose attempted to build a contender last season with a series of moves that pretty much blew up in their face. Even KC Royals super fan Rany Jazayerli (whose dermatology practice is located in a Chicago suburb) picked them to win the AL Central last season.

Instead, the White Sox face-planted with a 76-86 fourth place finish in the Central.

The White Sox were similarly active last winter, acquiring third baseman Todd Frazier, shortstop Jimmy Rollins, second baseman Brett Lawrie, catcher Alex Avila, center-fielder Austin Jackson, and starting pitcher Mat Latos. This time, it looks like Chicago executive vice-president Kenny Williams and general manager Rick Hahn got it right.

The moves almost completely remade Chicago’s infield, with only superstar first baseman Jose Abreu surviving from the group that played for the White Sox last season. The makeover was a good idea, the 2015 Chicago White Sox scored the fewest runs in the American League.

Obviously, things are going pretty well for the White Sox right now. They have to believe that their off-season moves have put them in a position to win the AL Central and make noise in the 2016 playoffs.

However, no matter how much success they might enjoy this season, I’m still glad I’m not a Chicago White Sox fan for the following five reasons:

Next: What's That About Kids...

5) The White Sox Kick Kids Out Of Their Clubhouse 

Most teams in major-league baseball go out of their way to prove to their fans they are family friendly.

Then you have the Chicago White Sox.

Last winter Chicago tanked to a 76-86 record after a terrible start. After re-tooling Chicago’s roster over the winter with a series of trades (Frazier, Rollins) and free-agent signings (Latos, Avila, Austin Jackson), executive vice-president Kenny Williams wasn’t content to let his work speak for itself on the field.

No.

Instead, he chose to scapegoat the 14-year-old son of free-agent designated hitter mistake Adam LaRoche by kicking Drake LaRoche out of the White Sox clubhouse insisting that his team needed to focus on winning:

“Unfortunately, we live in a society where kids just aren’t welcome in the workplace on a regular basis,” Pinchuk said. “I think it has a lot to do with staying focused and being an appropriate environment for a child or a teenager.

Get that? The White Sox didn’t lose in 2014 because management made crappy decisions. Oh no. Instead, it’s all a 14-year-old kid’s fault.

As for the “inappropriate environment” for a teenager that Williams cites, just tell me how old your ball boys and clubbies are in Chicago. I’m sure they’re all mature adults.

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The season before, Adam LaRoche had included allowing Drake LaRoche free access to the White Sox clubhouse in his contract so he could spend time with his son. Drake LaRoche was well-liked by the players according to White Sox ace Chris Sale and made himself useful in the clubhouse by cleaning spikes and performing other tasks similar to a ball-boy as well as shagging flies with his dad.

Though, USA Today’s Bob Nightengale reported that some players complained behind the scenes to Williams.

After Kenny Williams issued his decision this spring, LaRoche walked away from a $13 million contract to retire from the game. Get that, LaRoche was so disgusted he refused an eight-figure payday to get away from that toxic organization.

Of course, the 36-year-old LaRoche struggled last season after signing a two-year deal with Chicago. Perhaps Williams hoped LaRoche would walk away when he kicked Drake out of the clubhouse.

Classy.

Next: The Fanbase

4) I’d Be Cheering For The Same Team As Jerry Springer

Forget about the Mets cap that Jerry is wearing in the above picture, he’s well-known as a White Sox fan. Back when he filmed “The Jerry Springer Show” in Chicago, he even had then White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski act as guest bouncer to separate his guests when they engaged in their fake shoving matches.

The so-called staged “fights” on The Jerry Springer Show make baseball brawls look positively brutal. In the 20+ years that The Jerry Springer Show has polluted airwaves across America, NO ONE has ever landed a punch like the one that Rougned Odor clocked Jose Bautista with last week.

Jerry Springer is the very definition of classless. Springer first desired to make a name for himself as a politician, but was too repulsive for voters after he was forced to resign from the Cincinnati City Council for hiring a prostitute with a check.

I mean really, not only is Jerry Springer sleazy, he’s STUPID! Can you imagine that he’s got a law degree from Northwestern? You’d think he’d know better.

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• Grading the 2022 KC Royals: The $25 million man
• KC Royals Winter Meetings Tracker: Expectations met
• KC Royals Winter Meetings Tracker: Day 3 update

In what proved to be a perfect example of a man finding his level, Springer moved into daytime television with the premier of The Jerry Springer Show in 1991. When he first began, he attempted to do a “Donahue”-type serious talk show. When his ratings tanked, he began giving the biggest losers in America the chance to tell (badly) their story.

To raucous chants of “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” over the last 25 years,  Springer has given sleazy guests the chance to reveal their most tacky and repulsive behaviors for all to see. From  every kind of imaginable sex triangle, and the most dysfunctional families you’ve ever seen, the fake fights that regularly occur and the wooden delivery of salacious stories make any viewer with an IQ larger than single digits realize 90% of it is staged for the cameras.

What’s scary is millions of people are bored enough to watch. Jerry Springer made tabloids like the National Enquirer look like high-end journalism.

It’s bad enough that Jerry Springer is a fellow alum of Tulane University. It would be even worse if he and I cheered for the same baseball team.

Next: Brett Lawrie

2) White Sox Are Second Choice In Their Own City

The Chicago White Sox are so beloved in Chicago that they’re not even the favorite baseball team in their own city. That’s right, the Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 108 years (when the White Sox won in 2005) and Chicago baseball fans mostly bleed Cubs blue.

In Chicago, pretty much only south-side snobs root for the White Sox.

The White Sox come WAY down in the Chicago sports pecking order behind the NFL’s Bears, the NBA’s Chicago Bulls, the Cubs, and probably the NHL’s Black Hawks.

The Cubs play in a historic ballpark in Wrigley Field. The White Sox think their fans are so dumb they need to be told what cell phone to buy by naming their bland bandbox U.S. Cellular Field. The Cubs have rooftop bleacher seats, and baseball tradition. Heck, people remember the Cubs FAILURES more than they remember the White Sox’s successes. Steve Bartman’s infamous grab of a foul ball lights up phone lines in Chicago talk radio toady. And the Cubs 1969 collapse to the onrushing Mets is renowned in baseball history.

What baseball fan outside the south side remembers ANY moment from the White Sox’s 2005 World Series victory?

I thought so.

This season, both the Cubs and White Sox have gotten off to scorching starts. And who does Chicago care about? Yeah. The Cubs. If the Cubs win the 2016 World Series, it will galvanize the whole freaking country. If the White Sox were to beat the Cubbies for the title, most of Chicago will feel let down.

That wouldn’t be a whole lot of fun to cheer for after experiencing the whole city getting behind the Kansas City Royals last season.

Next: Hawk Harrelson

1) Hawk Harrelson Announces White Sox Games

The absolute WORST thing about being a White Sox fan is that you have to listen to Hawk Harrelson broadcast games on TV.

Hearing him the few times that MLB.com TV gets pre-empted because WGN is showing the White Sox game in my local area or back when I didn’t pay the extra $10 bucks to choose broadcast teams for every game, it’s freaking TORTURE.

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• KC Royals Rumors: Is a monster move in the cards?
• KC Royals Free Agent Hunt: 3 Tampa Bay pitchers
• Grading the 2022 KC Royals: The $25 million man
• KC Royals Winter Meetings Tracker: Expectations met
• KC Royals Winter Meetings Tracker: Day 3 update

Listening to Hawk Harrelson makes be want to jab a fork in my eye socket. Or jump off a building. Of course, if I committed suicide that way I’d probably wake up surrounded by 70 inch flatscreens playing NOTHING but Hawk Harrelson calling White Sox games.

For all eternity.

Yeah. Listening to Hawk Harrelson non-stop would be my definition of hell. He’s that bad.

Not only is Hawk Harrelson too stupid to understand sabermetrics so that his commentary becomes an endless ode to “the will to win”, he’s such a blatant White Sox cheerleader that he should wear pom poms.  And, his homerism isn’t even fun. Instead, we get tag lines like “He Gone” for White Sox home runs and endless references to “we”, as if everyone in the world were a White Sox fan.

Now, every local broadcaster favors the home team. But, Hawk Harrelson’s homerism is so bad that it gets in the way of making informative observations about the other team. For example, late last season Hawk Harrelson told his audience that the Royals weren’t much different than the terrible White Sox, you know that team that finished dead last in Fangraphs.com’s team defense metrics (the KC Royals were first).

White Sox team vice-president Kenny Williams and GM Rick Hahn thought so much of that 2015 squad they tore it up and completely rebuilt it last winter.

Great analysis, Hawk.

Next: Royals Series Preview: Southside Showdown

Yeah, Hawk. You live in an alternate reality.  The only reason you’re worth listening to is to make fun of your stupidity.