For Jason Vargas:
An ironclad guarantee that his repaired Ulnar Collateral Ligament will hold up for a full season in 2017.
That’s really all the soon-to-be 34-year-old Jason Vargas needs. If he could replicate his only healthy year in Kansas City, both he and the Royals brass will be quite happy. Vargas went 11-10 in 2014 with a 3.71 ERA in 187.0 innings. After coming back from elbow surgery in 2016, Vargas held opponents to an impressive 2.25 ERA in 12.0 innings. As long as Vargas’ elbow holds up, he figures to have a nice walk year in 2017.
For Christian Colon:
One gift certificate to rebuild his entire offense game at Mac N’ Seitz batting cage in Kansas City. Christian Colon was supposed to be a bat-first middle infielder that could move rapidly through the minor-league system when the Kansas City Royals made him the no. 4 overall pick of the 2010 draft.
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However, Colon’s bat has never really translated from college to professional ball. Instead, Colon is now a soon-to-be 28-year-old player who will never be more than a fringe guy unless he can figure out some kind of new approach at the plate.
Six years ago, Alex Gordon was a former no. 2 overall pick who managed to pull off such a feat with help from former KC Royals hitting coach Kevin Seitzer. If Seitz did it once, maybe he can do it again.
For Billy Burns:
A Jarrod Dyson voodoo doll to stick pins into that gets Dyson traded. Pretty much the only way that Burns sees any significant playing time in KC is if Jarrod Dyson gets either traded or hurt. Getting hurt isn’t much good for the team, so I hope Burns’ doll makes someone overpay for Dyson.
For Drew Butera:
A potion that nullifies the invisibility cloak that he’s been trapped under the last year and a half. Really, that’s about the only good explanation I can come up with for why Ned Yost hasn’t used Butera more when he hit a career-high .285/.328/.480 last season. Oh. And some hair vitamins to keep those flowing locks healthy can’t hurt.