KC Royals: Christmas Gifts For Your Favorite Team
By John Viril
The KC Royals are a collection of young, rich, athletic men. But, just like everyone else, they wish Santa would bring them some gifts on Christmas. Here’s some things that I would bring to the KC Royals if I could play Kris Kringle for a day:
Alex Gordon: A nice, shiny new contract from the KC Royals that pays him a competitive wage.
Salvador Perez: some depth perception contacts that help him improve his strike zone recognition.
Omar Infante: some magic fairy dust to heal his right elbow.
Eric Hosmer: An elixir of sweat from Giancarlo Stanton to improve the pop in his bat.
Mike Moustakas: A complete season just like the last two months of 2015.
Yordano Ventura: The same thing Moustakas got
Alcides Escobar: A Google glass programmed to highlight pitches he hits well in red.
Chris Young: A fatigue meter that tells manager Ned Yost when to pull him from the rotation.
Lorenzo Cain: Another three seasons just like the last one.
Kendrys Morales: A Segway with an invisibility field to carry him around the bases.
Drew Butera: An Occulus Rift with a modified version of MLB 16: The Show optimized for virtual reality to help him remember what playing baseball feels like.
Jarrod Dyson: A psychic connection to the shade of Tony Gwynn to talk about the art of hitting singles.
Edinson Volquez: Some memory pills to make sure he remembers what he’s learned the last two seasons.
Kris Medlen: a warranty from his orthopedic surgeon guaranteeing his repaired elbow the durability of Chris Capuano.
Danny Duffy: A blessing from the BABIP fairy to get another season like 2014.
Wade Davis: two full seasons as the KC Royals closer.
Kelvin Herrera: An enchanted kamikaze scarf to summon the Divine Wind to blow in from the outfield 10 times a season.
Luke Hochevar: a coupon for 162 hypnosis sessions to make him think it’s 2013.
Joakim Soria: an assignment as the “fireman” for the 2016 Royals.
Paulo Orlando: A copy of The Idiot’s Guide To Getting On Base.
Jose Martinez: A real chance at a big league job.
Christian Colon: a coupon redeemable for 500 AB as a utility infielder.
Tim Collins: A vial of water from the river Lethe to help him forget about the World Series run he missed.
Ned Yost: an iPhone app programmed to notify him when starting pitchers face the third time through the order penalty.
David Glass: a visit from three ghosts on Christmas Eve.
Next: KC Royals Are At A Crossroads
If Santa brings even 10 of these gifts to our favorite players, KC Royals fans should expect to have a very Happy New Year in 2016.