But with proper treatment, and a little bit of hope, one can still live a meaningful life in spite of this chronic condition. I speak of course of YDS – Yankees Derangement Syndrome, also commonly referred to as Yankeephobia: An incurable affliction marked by a deep-rooted, unadulterated hatred of the New York Yankees, and an unnatural repulsion of all things and people affiliated with that organization in any way. While YDS manifests itself differently in each of its victims, there are several predominant features of the condition shared by most sufferers:
* Nausea and vomiting induced by prolonged exposure to Yankees logos on sportswear, bumper stickers, or more than one Yankee fan within a five mile radius.
* Compulsive avoidance of broadcasts for all Yankees games, sometimes even those involving your own hometown team. YDS patients have reportedly gone as far as actually doing yard work, or on at least one gruesome occasion even reading a book, when the only game on TV that day involved the Yankees.
* Inability to watch ESPN Sportscenter, MLB Tonight, or any other national sports talk show where ninety percent of the broadcast will be spent discussing the Yankees (with an occasional dollop of the Red Sox) before moving on to the mostly irrelevant topics of interest to the other twenty eight teams in the major leagues.
* Recurring dreams where well-known Yankee players’ girlfriends — Hollywood starlets and washed-up overrated pop singers — are forced to live in a house without mirrors, in a town devoid of botox clinics or plastic sugeons, and where the sole airline offers only coach seating.
YDS sufferers have been known to prattle obsessively about baseball’s economic inequities, the wisdom in salary caps for professional sports leagues, and the evils of long-term guaranteed contracts. They often laugh hysterically and uncontrollably at the idea of six figure season ticket prices, and a stadium filled with Wall Street bailout beneficiaries and image-obsessed celebrities.
Other characteristics observed in most YDS patients include intense jealousy, and delusions that their own small market team could actually ever be competitive with the Bronx Bombers (usually in the case of Rays and Twins fans, only).
The most effective treatment for YDS appears to be copious amounts of Jack Daniels. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve reached, based on many years of exhaustive scientific research.
It has also proven therapeutic to share one’s feelings and experiences with other YDS sufferers, and there have been reports of YDS Anonymous organizations sprouting up throughout the nation as October — the worst month of the year for YDS patients — rapidly approaches.
If you would like to help alleviate the pain and suffering of YDS victims, donations to the ‘Great Humanitarian Foundation for a YDS Cure’ can be mailed to its President, Tom Barkwell, care of Kings of Kauffman at this website’s address (cash, untraceable bearer bonds, and Jack Daniels accepted).